Homo For the Holidays

My fellow staff members have been required by our boss to put together a "Holiday Celebrations Around the World" program. It focuses on all the customs and traditions of many countries and populations around the world, hence the name. It got me to thinking, "How do my people celebrate the Holidays?" And by my people, I am not talking about the farming, coal mining, educators of the central Midwest that lay claim to me biologically. I am referring to my "Family," i.e. the Gays.
I have to admit that we are largely responsible for what some people claim to be the bane of the holiday existence: Materialism. Frankly, we do a copious amount of shopping the entire year round, but we really tend to out do ourselves in December. Between the parties we throw (and attend), the retail stores we patronize, run, and frequently find ourselves employed in, and the total number of presents that we buy (actual presents that the recipients are actually HAPPY to receive), we are spending mucho dinero. We love it (until January when the MasterCard bill comes).
Also, you have to consider the costumes. We wouldn't be caught dead in your average holiday sweater and you know what I'm talking about - adorned with kelly green Christmas trees, wreaths, kittens in Santa hats, and bells. Frankly that is the sort of crap that makes me shudder! And forget about wearing anything we wore last year. Never mind that it's already a year old and considered goodwill fodder at best, you know those other bitches we call our friends would talk about it behind our last year's turtlenecked backs. It's customary to subscribe to the old "buy on for you, buy two for me" school of thought, and if I find a fabulous blouse that I know you will love and look exquisite wearing, you better believe that I will be getting two for myself and wearing mine before you even unwrap yours! This is, in fact, where the phrase, "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel" comes from. Fa la la, la la la, la - la - Laaaaa!
As far as traditional foods go, we literally have cookbooks full of fancy holiday drink recipes (nobody actually consumes FOOD @ these parties), phonebooks full of hunky shirtless caterers, and every copy of Martha Stewart's Simple Living (that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one) ever published. In short, our cocktailed asses are more than covered as far as the holiday hostess role is concerned.
And last but not least, there are our actual "family celebrations" to consider. We have long ago grown accustomed to being the life of the party, and when the only competition for the spotlight comes from seeing which of your uncles can fart the loudest after dinner (and consuming too many beers), it's no wonder we run from our Mother's front doors and into the open arms of our favorite bartenders. I happen to know that my favorite watering hole doubles its booze order for the evening of 12/25.
So, Happy Holidays! Enjoy your traditions and your celebrations and remember, if your gifts are impeccably wrapped, your tree looks like it should be in the front window display at Macy's, and your cocktail is garnished with a fancy little miniature red and white swirled swizzle stick, then you most likely have one of my FAMILY members to thank for it.

Family Tragedy

I love my mother very much. As much as I don't like to admit it sometimes, I am more like her everyday. She has many wonderful attributes that I can proudly say I have inherited, and then there are the things I look at and see from her example that I would rather not emulate. One of these little flaws is the "Family Crisis."
You see, every time something slightly out of the ordinary occurs, my Mother makes it into rather a large production. Recently my uncle went in for a minor, out patient surgery. I found out that it was no big deal only AFTER my mother had called to tell me he was practically at death's door. She was rushing to the hospital to be with him and I should be on stand by to fly home at a moments notice. It was only after talking to her less dramatic middle sister that I got the real scoop - an abscess being drained, no big whoop, don't even worry about it-I can't believe she called you, etc.
But you see, I found myself buying into the drama of it all. . . not a good sign. Before you know it my hangnails will all require a week off work and all my loved ones gathered at my bedside and my mother calling in the priest to give me my last rights.

And I quote...

I am known in some circles for a certain brand of Midwestern "isms" that can mostly be attributed to the more colorful members of my family. What can I say? My little sayings sometimes sum things up quite succinctly and with a touch of humor to boot. All I can say about the following quotes is, I wish I'd said that first!

"Tragedy is a test of courage. If you can meet it bravely, it will leave you bigger than it found you." A Star is Born

"Why slap them on the wrist with a feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer?" Katherine Hepburn

I have next week off - talk about being thankful! This year, I'm not planning on seeing my family (I'll do that in December) for Thanksgiving. Instead, I am going to relax, visit with friends I don't usually get to see during the week, drink a bit, eat a lot, and really give some serious thought to things I am thankful for. Too often I think I am guilty of being thankful for what I have when I am faced with the misfortune of others. We see someone we know, or don't know, in a bad situation of loss or despair, and we think, "Well thank God I'm not that bad off!" or, "Thankfully, that's them and not me!" I challenge everyone to start each day finding at least one thing to say thanks for. When we begin with thanks, it is hard to start feeling sorry for ourselves about the sky full of crap that sometimes falls in our laps. I know I already mentioned making a list of things you are thankful for in a previous blog, and whether or not you have read that blog or not, I encourage you to stop what you're doing (well, not reading this, but you know what I mean), get out a utensil for writing, and write down 10 things that make you happy or that you are thankful for. If you're anything like me, you will not only realize how lucky you are, but you may just see a shift in your attitude.

To quote a truly gifted author. . .

One of my favorite books is, "I Am Not Myself These Days" by Josh Kilmer-Purcell. If you have not read this memoir, I strongly recommend it as it brings insight into a lifestyle that most will not experience (actually, besides the author, I wonder if ANYONE will experience) and many may not even consider to exist. It is full of quotable lines, but one of my favorites is:
"All airs of modesty are disposed of in the dressing room. We're all wizards here, and we're all behind the curtain. Nothing to hide in Oz."
No matter what we do professionally or personally, we all have those "behind the curtain" expereinces that make our world a mystery to others. Even if these things are illusions, it adds an air of mystery that can keep our lives fresh and vibrant. As we head into the weekend, don't forget to relish the wizardly aspects of your life - we're all a little bit magical!

Make Someone Happy

Ever get that, "Not so Pleasant" feeling - you know, the one that makes you feel like complaining about everything in your life? I will admit that even fantastically creative, stylish, and talented (not to mention good looking) people can get down in the dumps, but allowing this state of mind to prevail over an extended period of time can make you, well, come off a bit bitchy. When your ray of sunshine turns into a cloud of doom, people start to notice and may avoid you, even making you the topic of their own complaints. Now, none of us want to breed a sub society of whiners and complainers so let me suggest a little exercise that I find helpful when I'm feeling a little "blue." Try making a list of ten things that make you happy, or that you are thankful for. For example:

I am Thankful for:

1. The fact that black never goes out of style.
2. Cute boys who work in coffee shops and flirt with you when you order your latte'.
3. Pearls.
4. Really good cheese.
5. Well made vodka martinis with blue cheese olives, slightly dirty, shaken not stirred.
6. Intellegent conversations with creative, talented, like-mided individuals.
7. Nice looking guys with really cute buns.
8. People who haven't forgotten what good manners are and realize what good taste is.
9. Masterfully crafted books which can be read a hundred times over and, even on the ninety ninth reading can present you with something new and intersting.
10. Sunglasses large enought to hide crows feet and hangovers.

Ah, see? I feel better already!

As this day progresses, I am constantly reminded of how we have to really lend our support to our new president. He has inherited eight of the worst years I think our country has ever dealt with and faces what might be an insurmountable task. It's like trying to clean up an oil spill with an eye dropper. We MUST ban together and insure that he and the democrats do not get blamed for the mess we are already in. Many promises have been made, as is always the case in any election of any sort. The road ahead will not be an easy one. Obstacles are already in place and we need not make the job at hand more difficult by complaining and blaming. I think that many republicans are probably thrilled that our first African American president and his fellow democrats are going to be saddled with such a tremendously extravagant mess. They probably can't wait to start pointing their hypocritical fingers! Let's not forget who has planted this garden we now must tend. It is overgrown with turmoil, unrest, and unhappiness. We are all gonna need our gardening gloves, big floppy hats, and our implements of horticultural miracle working to make this plot an acceptable place to plant our dreams again. I believe we can do it - let's not loose faith in what we know we can do!

For This I am Thankful

I awoke this morning feeling confident that our country can finally be taken in a new, better direction. The last eight years have left many of us feeling hopeless and discouraged; frustrated and angry. My hope is that as a nation we will embrace this new beginning and enjoy to the full extent what is to come. Our country has seen a historical event unfold, and I pray we have the intelligence and acceptance to work with and for each other to reach a better place. At the very least, we have finally had the common sense to rid ourselves of George W. Bush!

Style vs. Fashion

I have always said that style and fashion are two very separate things. My personal feeling is that fashion is something that is always changing and determined by designers and mass public opinion. Style on the other hand, is a personal thing; something that can be developed by the individual and should be recognizable as something specific to your likes and tastes. Here are some of my favorite quotes about style from some people who know what they are talking about:

"The only thing worse than having bad taste is having no taste at all."
Diana Vreeland, Past Editor in Chief of Vogue magazine

"The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in."
Paris Hilton, Millionairess

"Attitude is EVERYTHING."
Diane von Furstenberg, Fashion Designer

"Style is primarily a matter of instinct."
Bill Blass, Fashion Designer

"Don't be into trends. Don't let fashion own you, but decide what you are and what you want to express by the way you dress and the way you live."
Gianni Versace, Fashion Designer

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different."
"Fashion fades; only style remains the same."
Coco Chanel, Fashion Designer

"Style is not a blueprint. It's about finding yourself amid all the rules."
Andy Comer, Editor for GQ magazine

Public Appearance?

There are many ways one can improve one's appearance, even if one has limited resources. I'm not talking about spending truck loads of money at the boutique shoppes at the North Park Mall. I'm not really talking about spending money at all! Looking presentable is a relatively simple concept which can be achieved by doing, and NOT doing, a few simple (free of charge) things:

1. Wear shoes. HOUSE shoes are house shoes for a reason - they are worn in a house, not to your child's school or to the super market. They would then be called "super market" shoes, or "pick up you kid at school" shoes.
2. Wash and comb your hair (more than once a month).
3. Wear enough clothing that you can be certain that any unsightly body parts (or extra parts of said parts) you may possess are covered in their entirety (my father referred to this lack of coverage as trying to stuff 10 pounds of sh** in a 5 pound bag).
4. Consider your age - if you are 30 plus and sharing clothes with your teenage daughter, you may want to rethink that (see #3).
5. Use an inside voice and watch your language. Being a loud mouth is unattractive in most circumstances and becomes even more so when the words out of your mouth are foul and inapropriate. My grandmother always said that you could guess a person's intellegence by the number of four letter words they used. It takes a few more brains to string together words with more than four letters, you see.

With all that being said, go on out there (after you consult a full length mirror) and make yourself a pleasant pressence in the world.

So, then there's Hooha. . .I will admit right now that I am real bad with names, and my acronym for anyone who's name I can't remember (or place or whatever or hooha) is "hooha", hence the name of my blog. I was turned on to all this hooha nonsense by some now fellow bloggers who are quite hilarious - check out my girls ADHD Drama Queen & I Don't take Any Wooden Nickles. More from me later.